In the Air Chapter 4
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Halsin allowed himself more time with his memories than usual, unwilling to return to the present. Mistress was resting next to him, her back pressed to his chest, one hand curled around the arm pillowing her head. As long as she didn't move, he was safe to lose himself a little longer.
Yet he was close enough to the surface of his mind that last night kept intruding, a slow undercurrent pulling memories of other lovers from the depth. He found himself unable to steer away and eventually gave in, angling himself the slightest bit away from Mistress so she wouldn't take note of his lazy arousal. This, he wanted to keep for himself.
The pain sunk its teeth into him out of nowhere, a blinding wave of agony so strong Halsin shot upright with a shout. He was sure there would be blood staining the sheets, the plug tearing him open in some way, sharp thorns slicing from the inside out. When he tossed the blanket aside, he found himself unhurt, at least outwardly. The pain ebbed away and then rose to another peak. Halsin cried out, taking hold of the ring and himself with shaking hands. Between his fingers, the stone flashed bright green.
"What are you doing?" Mistress' hand lay on top of his, stopping him before he could pull. "Don't take it out."
"It hurts—" Halsin could barely get the words out between clenched teeth. "Please."
"You need to wait it out. It will be over soon. You can't take it out now." Mistress pulled his hands away, clasping them between hers.
Another wave of pain rolled over him, leaving him shivering, sweat beading on his skin. And then it faded away to nothingness. Halsin braced for its return, but it was as if it had never happened. Now that his body wasn't screaming at him, he came to realise how roughly he must have woken Mistress.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"
"That is exactly the problem, and why you are wearing this. You never mean to. You give your body far too much control. That has its place, and I do enjoy it, but I am sure you can learn more discipline." She cupped Halsin's cock in her hand and he tensed up, expecting more pain. But even when she gave a light tug on the ring, there was nothing. "This is a reminder, and it will keep you from unnecessary arousal. It might seem harsh to you now, but I am sure you will learn to appreciate it. Just don't try to take it out, the pain is there for a reason. It won't hurt you unless you try to take it out before the pain is gone. I'd rather not have that."
Staring down at the ring where it nestled into his foreskin, Halsin shuddered at the thought of what might have happened if he had tried to pull it out.
"I will do better. Thank you, Mistress."
She left him with a quick smile and a kiss to the temple, wrapping herself in fresh robes and stepping out of the room to face her day. Halsin got up, letting his hands do the work of changing the sheets, gathering up Mistress' clothes, getting dressed and tidying the room.
Another thing he thought his own had been taken from him, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing, except find a way to live without it, wait and hope for a chance to escape all this. His world was growing so very small. After being kept in Mistress' bedroom for a long time, he had drawn hope from being allowed into the rest of the apartment at times. But it had come at a price.
Even a prisoner confined to a cell had the freedom of his thoughts. Halsin didn't even have that.
And yet. If he was willing to live with this and to show Mistress that he could and would obey her, she might grow more lenient. He might convince her that he didn't need this kind of control. Another clever trick for him to perform, to entertain and delight her.
If she ever grew bored of him, he would die.
Halsin turned his back on the room and fixed his eyes on the garden in an attempt to turn his thoughts away from this. There was no sense in dwelling on it. He had to do what needed to be done, that was all there was to it.
The sight of the garden, only a few flight of stairs away and yet as far from him as the woods of his home, did nothing to calm him. He had fooled himself into thinking that he was any less caged just because he was sometimes free to walk into another room, but a slightly longer chain was still a chain.
Oakfather preserve me. He gripped the cold stone of the windowsill, longing for the scent of moss and trees, the feel of running his hand through long grass, the sight of raindrops glittering on leaves. Down here, he was cut off from everything that gave his life meaning. There was no balance here. Lolth was too enamoured with chaos and strive.
Trying and failing to fill his lungs, his pulse racing, Halsin walked out of the door, ducking into the bathroom. At least here, they left him alone. It smelled only of wet stone, and the rush of the water drowned out all noise. Eventually, it drowned out his thoughts as well, and his heart slowed to its usual measured pace.
No matter how much he dreaded it, he had to take out the plug. Part of him expected blood, or excruciating pain the moment he touched it. Taking himself in hand, Halsin caught the ring between his fingertips and pulled, letting out a shuddering breath when it slid out. He passed water with no trace of blood, pushing the plug back in with the beginnings of routine. It sat uncomfortable for a moment, making its presence known, and then Halsin's body remembered.
He caught sight of himself in the mirror while dressing. The scratches and bruises were healing, but Mistress had left new ones. Her fingers had dug deep enough into his neck that she had marked him yet again. He truly didn't know if he had been without in all his time here. Bruises from being held down, from being chained, from being slapped and punched. Cuts and welts from fingernails, from knives, from whips. Sometimes, Mistress would heal the worst of it, most of the time he was left with it, more sure to come once it had faded.
Halsin turned away from the mirror with a growl, clenching his fists and digging his nails into his palms. It hurt, but at least it was a pain he had chosen.
He had no choice but to return to the bedroom. The door fell shut behind him and he grabbed the book, cowering in the corner furthest away from the bed to try and make the meagre escape the words on the page offered him.
The bruises on his neck had faded. New ones had appeared on his arms and thighs where ropes had dug into his flesh while Tarlyn had fucked him for Mistress to watch. Even those had turned from purple to yellow when Mistress took him to the gardens.
She had left a collar on the nightstand for him to put on and told him to come meet her in the library. It was broad and made from soft leather, sitting around his neck more like a piece of clothing. A heavy metal ring rested in the hollow of his throat, warming against his skin. It was nothing like the collars he had worn in the beginning, cold and tight metal made to subdue him, a heavy chain pulling on it with every move and every breath. This one, he might almost forget he was wearing.
When he opened the door to the library, Mistress was sitting at her desk in a high backed chair, both made from white wood turned into a filigree seemingly too delicate to support any weight. She looked up from her writing, her eyes falling on the book he was carrying.
"Did you finish it already? If you want, you can pick a new one while you wait." She waved at the shelves before dipping her quill into the ink again, turning back to her letter.
In truth, Halsin had read the book twice, unwilling to give it up, not knowing when he would be allowed a new one. He returned it to its place on the shelf and found another, even thicker tome. It spoke of the fauna and flora of the Sword Coast, with drawings in colours so vivid they glowed even in the dim light.
"Leave it here for now." Mistress had appeared behind him, running one hand down his back. Once he had put the book down, she hooked a slender chain to the ring on his collar. It wasn't made to hold him, barely weighing anything at all. But it would signal to everyone just what exactly he was, as if his mere appearance would leave any doubt.
Still, Halsin would have worn far heavier chains to be allowed outside.
Mistress led him out of the apartment and down a hallway to a flight of stairs. Not the enormous one leading to the entrance hall, a small one at the back of the house that was much more private but still well guarded. She kept the chain in her hand but allowed Halsin enough slack that he could walk his customary two steps behind her. The white marble was cold under his bare feet and he had a splash of vertigo when he looked up, the broad stairwell rising high above him. Stepping out of the door onto the path leading deep into the gardens was even worse. After being kept inside for so long, even the roof of the cave seemed impossibly far away.
They followed the path as it wound between beds of pale flowers and ferns in a green so deep it was almost black, the undersides of their fronds glowing. Huge mushrooms rose above Halsin's head, spores trickling down like the finest snow. Water murmured in narrow canals and between boulders covered in lush moss, flowing into a broader stream. They crossed it on a bridge of broad stone slabs to reach a big island encircled by the stream. In the middle sat a gazebo of the same intricately turned white wood as Mistress' desk. A tray with tea and small cakes was already waiting there.
On their way, they had passed some drow belonging to the household. They had bowed deeply to Mistress, and had glanced at Halsin with idle curiosity, about the same he would have given a particularly big dog or well-bred horse following someone. There were a few drow on the island, mostly women but a few young men as well. They bowed and then went about their business when Mistress waved them away, exchanging words with a chosen few. Halsin stood behind her, hands clasped in front of himself, keeping his head down and doing his best to avoid catching anyone's eye.
He had longed to walk in this garden for weeks. And now that he was here, he was nervous. Being outside unsettled him just as much as being among this many people. But neither did he want to return to the apartment.
Mistress invited two young women to sit with her. They gossiped about other houses, about who had given a particularly successful feast, who had failed to please Lolth with their offerings, who was likely to marry into what family. Halsin knelt at Mistress' feet and listened, eager even for this small glance into a world beyond his confinement. Mistress fed him some of the cakes, honeyed dainties filled with chopped hazelnuts. The taste made Halsin wonder what season it was. He thought it must be early summer, but these tasted fresh. With no way of marking time, he might well have lost track. How long had he been down here? A year? More?
A tug on the chain startled him from his thoughts. Mistress unclipped it from the collar, raising Halsin's head with a hand under his chin until he was looking at her. The two women watched with open fascination tinged with fear, as if she were petting a wolf or a bear.
"You can walk the island. Don't cross the bridge but feel free to explore. I will let you know when it's time to return." She bent down for a quick kiss, to a gasp from one of the women.
Dismissed, Halsin bowed to her and her guests and walked away, Mistress' sweet pomegranate taste mingling with the honey from the cakes on his tongue. He hadn't expected this, but he wasn't going to let the chance for some time on his own pass him by.
"Can I get one?" The voice of the young woman carried well in the still air, and Halsin slowed his step against his better judgment.
"Maybe when you are older, Meryla. He's sweet but he does require a lot of care." Mistress sounded fond, and a furtive glance back as he rounded a turn in the path revealed her patting the woman's hand. Halsin quickened his step, unwilling to hear or see any more.
He found a secluded spot under one of the giant mushrooms. At its base, moss grew in soft cushions, deep enough to sink his hands into. Halsin closed his eyes and breathed slowly, the scent of the moss taking his mind to the woods he so missed.
Oakfather, hear me. Lend me your strength, never have I needed it more. I am lost, and every step only steers me further from the path. Oakfather, guide me.
It had been so long since he had prayed, the way he was used to. So long since he had felt this kind of connection. Even now, it was barely there. He was far from the Oakfather's grace, and in such desperate need of it. Halsin remained on his knees, hands pressed into the moss and soil underneath, clinging to the meagre solace he had found.
"What's he doing?" The voice of one of the young women, bemused. Meryla, Mistress had called her.
"Digging for food? I don't know." Her companion, a little impatient. Halsin blinked, raising his head. They had walked up to him and he hadn't even heard them. Meryla was holding the coiled chain in one hand and one of the cakes in the other. She stepped forward and held it out to him like she might hold out a bone to a dog that seemed friendly enough but might still snap at her fingers.
He hesitated and she moved a little closer, offering the cake between her fingers like she had seen Mistress do. If he scared her, or angered her, Halsin would surely suffer for it but fury rose in him at how unquestioningly she treated him as little better than an animal. He wanted to tell her he didn't want the cake, or get up and simply walk away. Or bare his teeth at her and growl, like she obviously expected him to.
He did none of these things. Taking the cake out of her hand carefully, he ate it, no matter that it was ashes in his mouth. He allowed her to clip the chain to the collar and waited until she had stepped back to stand, her hand tightening its hold anyway. But she rallied and turned to walk, giving a tug on the leash in silent command.
"We should return to Matron." Her companion fell into step beside her, casting an anxious glace back at Halsin.
"And we are returning to her. I'm sure she won't mind a small detour." Meryla led Halsin and her friend down a path and past a group of other young drow women who stared in envy, resentment and reluctant approval. But Meryla ignored them and headed around a corner towards some benches hidden away by a group of mushrooms. She sat, and another tug on the leash told Halsin what was expected of him.
Kneeling next to her, Halsin wished to be back at the apartment as fervently as he had wished to be in the garden earlier. He drew a startled breath when Meryla touched him, carding her hand through his hair and following the line of his neck.
"I don't see why I can't have one like him. I'm old enough. I will have a consort soon!" Gripping his chin, she forced Halsin to look at her, her brows pulled together in a stormy frown. "Tell me, if I ordered you to please me, would you obey me?"
"I am sorry, I cannot do that. I belong to your Matron, she is the one who decides what I am to do." Hiding behind Mistress was a coward's move and the words tasted even more bitter on Halsin's tongue than the cake had.
"Stop playing with him. Let's go back." Meryla's companion had not taken a seat and was hovering at the entrance to the bower. She kept turning her head to see if anyone was coming.
"You go ahead." Meryla was unconcerned but frustration swam under the surface of her voice. She hadn't let go of Halsin's chin, making him rise up on his knees until she could comfortably slip her free hand under his tunic. It trailed up his flank, her nails lightly scratching his skin. Not enough to leave marks but enough to make Halsin shudder. He almost cried out in surprise when she cruelly twisted his nipple.
Wrapping the chain around her hand, Meryla pulled him forward and he followed. He could have resisted but just letting her do what she wanted was the easier way. With a pleased smile at how pliant he was for her, she leaned close for a kiss, fondling him through his pants. It was over in moments, and she stood up fast, walking away and leaving him to scramble after her.
Mistress was awaiting them at the gazebo, sipping her tea and smiling at the women. Meryla handed her the chain with a bow, the only sign of what she had done a light flush on her cheeks. Halsin hoped that Mistress would think it was mere excitement over being trusted with him, and not pay close attention to him. He was shivering, disgust and fear and anger roiling in his stomach. It had been just a touch, not even on bare skin, so much less than what Mistress did to him night for night. Yet it had left him shaken.
"Thank you." Getting to her feet, Mistress walked past Meryla and her friend. "It is time we headed back."
Halsin followed her, evading Meryla's hungry gaze by staring straight down. He couldn't get back inside fast enough. For a moment, he wondered if he should tell Mistress what had happened. She was possessive of him, he knew that well. But she had send Meryla to find him.
Without a word, Halsin let Mistress lead him back inside.
Chapter 5
Chapter 1